How many times have you thought you were not qualified? In a recent training the statement was made if your dreams don’t scare you then you’re not dreaming big enough. My dreams are always very realistic always very safe. So my analytical brain started thinking, why is that? It boils down to two words, Not Qualified.
Words from my childhood haunt me. Childhood trauma has had it grips on me. I thought if I let the anger go I would be okay. But that left a hole. God filled that hole. Then, God quickly revealed to me that I need to forgive those who hurt me which allowed my walls to slowly come down, but then something still seemed missing.
I’ll be honest I’ve been feeling like quitting on this journey of improvement. I’m just tired. So I’ve been trying to just enjoy the now, and be Idle with God. I have spent the last few weeks trying to improve my quiet time with god. I thought I was unqualified to sit quiet. Quickly God revealed to me that I needed to forgive myself. The missing piece?
A friend of mine asked me, “What does forgiving yourself mean?” I have no idea? So I started praying. God what does it mean to forgive myself?
It’s funny how God answers your prayers. He doesn’t give you a written note, he doesn’t snap his fingers and your problem is solved but often times he sends you messages through people, television, books, etc.
A thought that kept resurfacing is I’m not Qualified. I haven’t forgiven myself for being not qualified. If you could have seen my face, when he put that on my heart. Thanks God, everything is now clear as mud.
Over time I realized….
I was not qualified to be the protector of my sisters at a young age. -So I made unwise word choices and actions.
I was not qualified to deal with sexual abuse. -So I became a selfish friend and suicidal.
I was not qualified to become a wife after having a bad role model of relationships. -So I raise my voice and get hostile when I make a mistake.
Every time I did something and made a complete mess of everything it lowered my self-esteem even more. It gave me another reason to hate myself.
Work is where I feel confident. Why? I feel more qualified. I feel its been my gift from God. I don’t feel like it was my years at college, so what was it?
It was my years of being “not qualified“.
I went to school as a kid, wanting to be seen, wanting someone to see how lost and hurt this quiet girl was. Fast Forward: I became a teacher who strived to truly see my students.
I went to college and was unqualified to be a good friend, a good girlfriend, and had some pretty selfish behaviors. Fast Forward: I became a teacher who strived to make students feel like everyone is important and everyone is special.
I came from a home where I wasn’t always safe. Fast Forward I became a teacher that realized students come from all different kinds of trauma and I can offer them a safe place.
You see lessons of my life, lessons I learned while being not qualified, god used.
God can use our flawed self for some amazing things! I’m not qualified to be perfect, but if I let God take the wheel he will turn my flaws into a purpose.
God doesn’t expect me not to make mistakes! His love for me is unconditional, and its about time I started loving me too!
I am unloveable, No Not me!
I’m qualified, No Not Me!
# No Not Me 