My recent prayer has been about what my nexts step should be. I remember the day I made a choice to change. At my very first therapy session, my therapist asked; “Why are you here?” I said with tears in my eyes “I was my father”. From that point on I have worked tirelessly to become someone different!
My journey has been full of reflective time spent finding things wrong and doing everything I can to change it.
I’m proud of all the hard work I’ve put in! I’m not the same scared, hurt, lost, little girl I was 20 years ago. As soon as I “fix” something I’m onto the next task.
I lifted the last sticky, of what I needed to change. So I’ve been asking God for weeks about my next task. I keep getting the same message back. A message that confuses me.
He’s told me to Stop it!
I convinced myself that the voice of the devil was in my head. Growing closer to god and becoming like him, isn’t that what I’m suppose to be doing???
The weather has started to warm up, so women are pulling out the dresses. Some have even asked me, Why I don’t ever wear dresses. Maybe that’s it, I need to change my wardrobe. My hate of dresses is linked to abuse. Maybe that’s my next task. Buying dresses?
God “Stop it”
Swimsuit season is around the corner and I have neglected my exercise regiment and have gained weight. Maybe I need to work on honoring my body as God’s temple and start taking better care of it.
God “Stop it”
This morning sitting on my couch watching T.V. looking at the pile of dishes that have been in my sink since Thursday or the laundry that has piled up, thinking I have no motivation. Maybe God is telling me I need to rest/rejoice my accomplishments. So I reached out to a friend, What are 3 words to describe me? Maybe her words would somehow reassure me that I’ve done well. Determined, reflective were the first two. Fixing myself has been my focus for so long maybe its become my next addiction?
God “Stop it”
Stop looking for Flaws. I love you! I designed you!
I can grow closer to God without changing. I can read the Bible, I can pray, and I can learn from the examples he has given me, but I do not need to constantly revamp myself. I’m worthy of his love and the love of others.
Am I done learning? No Not Me!
I need another task. No Not Me???
If I’m focusing on changing me then, I’m missing what God’s purpose might be?
And then it came clear: Gods Got me!
I can stop controlling.
I can stop focusing on my flaws.
I can stop and let God take the wheel.
I don’t know what God has in store for me but I can trust that he will reveal it to me when the time comes and for now.
I need to Stop it!
# No Not Me 