During my last counseling session, we discussed self-forgiveness. When I make any mistakes (no matter how large or how small) I tend to go through 3 steps of self- sabotage. Step 1: get mad at myself “how could I be so stupid” Step 2: I analyze whatever I did and how could I avoid it next time. Step 3: I work on improving myself and somehow make myself better to handle the situation next time.
Learn from your mistakes? Where does self-forgiveness fit in?
As I discussed with my therapist how I blamed myself for the abuse I received as a child. I explained how I was treated differently than my sisters. I must have done something. My therapist abruptly stopped me and said “Lorie let’s pretend for a moment that you did do something wrong. What would you say to someone who did something wrong?”
I would tell them its okay that we all make mistakes and help them. She then asked if I ever gave myself that advice?
Then it dawned on me I have Never practiced self-forgiveness in fact I didn’t know that was a thing. You make a mistake = You fix it so it will never happen again.
After the session I immediately fell back to old habits. Negative thoughts rushed to my head: how could I be so stupid, great- another thing I do wrong, was the abuse my fault?, and shame.
These thoughts lead me to distance myself from others……again. Didn’t want them to realize/see how stupid I was. For a few days I stewed over everything..
Until, I made a mistake. I do not believe that God causes bad things to happen but I do believe that he can use everything for his purpose.
After a busy day at work I rushed home to change clothes get a quick bite to eat and relax for just a moment. Then, I had to go back to work for 5th grade ceremony. I stepped outside to see a car parked along side the road directly behind my driveway. I spoke to Carlton about how odd it was especially since my neighbor had not moved in yet. Gave him a kiss and got into my car. Looked in the rear-view and then looked at back-up camera; still puzzled by the car. Looked left, looked right and then backed right into the parked car. In just a few seconds I totally forgot the car was there. Too much on my brain I guess. Carlton was still standing on the porch and heard the bang.
My immediate thought, how could I be so stupid? Carlton’s immediate reaction, are you okay? its okay Lorie accidents happen that’s why we have insurance. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t mad at me. I was mad at me! As I fought back tears I noticed my car was dented and so was theirs ,now I was furious at myself. After waiting for the police I arrived at the ceremony late. Everyone had the same response as Carlton? Was I okay? It’s okay Lorie, we all do it. Some even shared stories of times they backed into things.
When I arrived home from graduation I lost it. Why was everyone being nice? My reaction was was a learned response rooted from years of abuse not love. I prayed to god asking for forgiveness, love, and wisdom. As tears rolled down my face, I was comforted. It was as though I heard him say: Forgive yourself Lorie because we already have.
Good at self-forgiveness No Not Me
Done fighting old habits. No Not Me
Unforgivable No Not Me
# No Not Me 